Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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