Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
