He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
