could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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