Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
