My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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