i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
