Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
i am craving dick and cupcakes
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
