my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
