Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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