I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
