I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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