Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
