: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
