just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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