now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
