we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize