How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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