I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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