so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
