So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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