I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
