he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My ass is underappreciated
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize