I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
