I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
