We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
