Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
