Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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