I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize