I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
