i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
