Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i think im in europe. pls send help
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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