I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Randomize
