billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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