and my herpes radar will keep us safe
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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