Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
