Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
