When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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