I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
