You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
