mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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