kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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