I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
