I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
