if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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