you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Please don't give away my fajitas
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
