oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
