We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
