I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
