You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
