Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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