you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
