Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
