Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
