I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
