Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
