I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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