I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
