Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
