Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
