Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
