I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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