I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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