he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
