I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize