Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize