So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
